My Dearest Muffin

Since Casey’s defense smeared me as a pro-prosecution puppet, I might as well take on that role for now. It’s funny, too, because I was always cast as a goon for the defense by some of the blogs.

Dear Muffin,

You stupid twit. You had your cake and wanted to eat it, too, just like you’ve had it all your life. Well, guess what? You “done run outta cake” as your new Grandpa Cheney Bricklayer would be saying had he not turned an about-face and squeezed his flabby-scabby butt next to yours. Oh yes, there’s no doubt in my mind who came up with this brilliantly stupid notion to unseat your best chance at remaining alive for years to come. Yup, you sure know how to pick ‘em. Bricklayer, you and Jose Pimpdaddy are going to rue the day you pointed your finger at Judge Stan Strickland, the fairest judge in all the land, and whispered to “make him stop.” Well, you made him stop alright, but you created a monster.

You and your team of craptorneys are really going to have it tough from now on, a lot tougher because Chief Judge Belvin Perry, Jr. is a no-nonsense judge who will squash you like the low-life cockroach you really are. There won’t even be a carcass by the time he gets done with you. I just can’t wait until the day you try to pull off another stunt like this because you just used your last Get Out of Jail card and you ain’t even remotely close to seeing and breathing the same freedom as me.

You wanna know something else? Also gone are those days when I treated you fair and civilized, just like Judge Strickland said on live TV. You and your buffoons are up against a well-known judge who will not tolerate those silly courtroom antics you are famous for, and you might as well get used to filing proper motions.

Speaking of motions, I had to laugh at the ones you just submitted for dismissal. What’s this? Florida’s capital sentencing procedure is unconstitutional? Therefore death is not a possible sentence? And what about your claim that prosecutors decided to seek the death penalty just to make it so expensive for you to defend herself? DUH, you have a dream team that’s going to get creamed and you blame it on costing too much money for pro bono work? Nonsense! Face the music, you’re charged with a heinous crime and ordering Belvin Perry to make it stop is not going to make it stop. Trust me on this one. I can see the handwriting on the wall… the state didn’t spend enough money on you, therefore, as you sit there in a snit, the jury must acquit. Right.

You take the cake with the one claiming sexism. Where is Betty Friedan when you need her? Researchers have found that when women defy traditional gender stereotypes, and commit ‘men-type’ crimes, they are punished more severely than comparable male offenders. HAH! I hope you brought plenty of footnotes along with that one. By the way, tell your attorney that ‘men-type’ is an extremely sexist term.

In closing, I must say congratulations, Casey! You rolled snake-eyes. Although you managed to get your best chance judge to give you a Community Chest filled with State money, you will never pass Go again and you will never collect $200 by the only means you know how -  by stealing it.

Is it OK to ask you for a small favor before I go? Please ask that pompous, bombastic windbag of yours if he ever paid off that million dollar bet he made. Actually, never mind, because he didn’t, and he’s the laughing-stock of the Orlando legal community. That should tell you something about his character, and in the end, when the jury returns with a verdict, he will end his career with the biggest flop of his life. Banished and tarnished, just like you tried and failed to do with the judge.

You know, I have always been against the death penalty, but in your case, I may just have to change my mind. Indeed, as Judge Strickland wrote, the irony is rich, and I would add that you are much poorer for it. He may be off this case, but I am not, and you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. You went from Strickland to stricter. Wrong move.

SINcerely,

Marinade Dave

P.S. Write back. I gave Pimpdaddy my business card. I’d love to hear your side of the story.